Cuts to the RED Scout evading the BLU Heavy in Granary

Heavy: You stupid Scout!

Scout: Oh, whatsamatta? You're too fat to catch up to me? (laughs)

Cuts to the barrel of the Soldier's Rocket Launcher as he fires a rocket. Transitions to slo-mo; the camera pans over to the rocket and continues viewing it as it gets launched towards the Scout

The rocket successfully hits the Scout, instantly gibbing him

Heavy: (catches up and ceases running) что случилось?

Camera zooms out, viewing the Soldier by his legs

Soldier: Cuh-rit!

Heavy: большое спасибо! Thank you, Soldier!

Cuts to the Soldier

Soldier: (laughs to himself) Mission accomplished! (salutes)

Two hours later

Soldier: (reading a magazine and discovers an ad for the Direct Hit) Huh?

Cuts to a close-up of the advertisement itself, then back to the Soldier

Soldier: (grins, then whistles) Now that's a beauty.

One week later

The nine mercenaries for the BLU team spawn in the resupply rooms in Watchtower, with Soldier sitting on a bench

Administrator: (over intercom) Mission begins in 60 seconds.

Scout: Oh, come on, can you speed it up? My bat's itchin' to bonk someone on their friggin' noggin!

Administrator: (sighs) Fine. Mission begins now. Go! Go! Go!

The mercenaries run off into battle, with the Soldier still resting on the bench

Scout: (returns to the resupply room) Hey, Soldier, what the hell? Go! Go! Go!

Soldier: Well, ya see, cadet. I'm waiting for a special delivery.

Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, I'm not surprised.

Soldier: Shut up, maggot. Just wait and see what a skilled soldier like me has in stock.

Scout: Oh... whatever. There's no doubt you're not even gonna use it, anyways. Also, I don't any friggin' delivery truck's gonna come as of this point, considering that we're surrounded by some rock barrier.

Soldier: Eh, you're right...

Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, was I right or was I right, dumbass?

Soldier: ...because it's being shipped by chopper!

Scout: Wait, wha?

A helicopter sound is heard from outside

Cuts to the battlefield. The RED and BLU mercenaries hear the helicopter sound, which gets their attention

Heavy: What is helicopter doing here?

The helicopter reveals a wooden crate labeled "Mann Co." from below, then drops it

Cuts to the RED Scout and BLU Spy

Scout: (knocks down the Spy with his Bat) If ya ever think about goin' near my ma again, I'll-

Spy: Look above you.

Scout: What?

He looks above and screams as the Mann Co. Supply Crate drops on him, killing him

Spy: Here lies Scout. He ran fast and died a virgin! (laughs)

Cuts back to the BLU team's resupply room

Scout: Uh...

Soldier: (laughs) Told ya, maggot! In your face!

Scout: Shut up, be glad I didn't massacre the crap out of ya.

The Soldier runs outside the resupply room and over to the Mann Co. Supply Crate

Soldier: (laughs) Oh, it's here. It's finally here!

Spy: Um... what is that?

Soldier: Only the best thing I ever ordered...


Soldier: Um... where's the damn key?

A key for the Mann Co. Supply Crate is dropped from the helicopter

Soldier: Thank god.

He unlocks the crate, causing it to open up as the sides of the crate fall apart

The item from the crate glows brightly

Soldier: (gasps)

Cuts to BLU Medic and Sniper

Medic: (his backpack uses a Kritzkrieg) Aah, my eyes! Zey burn!

Sniper: (while carrying the Hitman's Heatmaker) Don't be foolin' around, doc. I've seen even brighter things that can hurt you, like the sun.

Medic: Vell, who would even be enough of a dummkopf to do somesing shtupid like zat?

Demoman: (offscreen) Aye, Dell! Doesn't the sun look so beautiful?

Engineer: Now, Tavish, I don't think you should-

Demoman: (gets blinded) My eyes!

Engineer: Um, you only have one eye, ya know.

Medic: (facepalm) Schweinhund.

Sniper: (headshake) Wanker.

Back to the Soldier and his crazy obsession over the weapon from the Mann Co. Supply Crate

The weapon from inside stops glowing, revealing to be the Direct Hit

Soldier: (gasps) Oh, man, I can't believe it! It's what I hoped for! Er, I mean... (clears throat) the weapon I was desiring for... now delivered with no repercussions.

Spy: Um, ce que l'enfer is that?

Soldier: Only the best weapon ever.

Spy: Well, tell me what it's called.

Soldier: The Direct Hit. This beauty's rockets are even more powerful and they trail at an approximate rate of 80% faster. Plus, shooting this at someone airborne from an explosion will massacre them instantly.

Spy: Those seem like some good aspects, but do you even know any of the downsides?

Soldier: I doubt this thing even has any. Maybe I'll just go through a simple test run with it first.

He picks up the Direct Hit and tries picking a target. He then spots a RED Pyro and decides to fire a rocket at it

Soldier: Gotcha, cupcake!