Cuts to the RED Scout evading the BLU Heavy in Granary
Heavy: You stupid Scout!
Scout: Oh, whatsamatta? You're too fat to catch up to me? (laughs)
Cuts to the barrel of the Soldier's Rocket Launcher as he fires a rocket. Transitions to slo-mo; the camera pans over to the rocket and continues viewing it as it gets launched towards the Scout
The rocket successfully hits the Scout, instantly gibbing him
Heavy: (catches up and ceases running) что случилось?
Camera zooms out, viewing the Soldier by his legs
Heavy: большое спасибо! Thank you, Soldier!
Cuts to the Soldier
Soldier: (laughs to himself) Mission accomplished! (salutes)
Two hours later
Soldier: (reading a magazine and discovers an ad for the Direct Hit) Huh?
Cuts to a close-up of the advertisement itself, then back to the Soldier
Soldier: (grins, then whistles) Now that's a beauty.
One week later
The nine mercenaries for the BLU team spawn in the resupply rooms in Watchtower, with Soldier sitting on a bench
Administrator: (over intercom) Mission begins in 60 seconds.
Scout: Oh, come on, can you speed it up? My bat's itchin' to bonk someone on their friggin' noggin!
Administrator: (sighs) Fine. Mission begins now. Go! Go! Go!
The mercenaries run off into battle, with the Soldier still resting on the bench
Scout: (returns to the resupply room) Hey, Soldier, what the hell? Go! Go! Go!
Soldier: Well, ya see, cadet. I'm waiting for a special delivery.
Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, I'm not surprised.
Soldier: Shut up, maggot. Just wait and see what a skilled soldier like me has in stock.
Scout: Oh... whatever. There's no doubt you're not even gonna use it, anyways. Also, I don't any friggin' delivery truck's gonna come as of this point, considering that we're surrounded by some rock barrier.
Soldier: Eh, you're right...
Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, was I right or was I right, dumbass?
Soldier: ...because it's being shipped by chopper!
Scout: Wait, wha?
A helicopter sound is heard from outside
Cuts to the battlefield. The RED and BLU mercenaries hear the helicopter sound, which gets their attention
Heavy: What is helicopter doing here?
The helicopter reveals a wooden crate labeled "Mann Co." from below, then drops it
Cuts to the RED Scout and BLU Spy
Scout: (knocks down the Spy with his Bat) If ya ever think about goin' near my ma again, I'll-
Spy: Look above you.
He looks above and screams as the Mann Co. Supply Crate drops on him, killing him
Spy: Here lies Scout. He ran fast and died a virgin! (laughs)
Cuts back to the BLU team's resupply room
Soldier: (laughs) Told ya, maggot! In your face!
Scout: Shut up, be glad I didn't massacre the crap out of ya.
The Soldier runs outside the resupply room and over to the Mann Co. Supply Crate
Soldier: (laughs) Oh, it's here. It's finally here!
Spy: Um... what is that?
Soldier: Only the best thing I ever ordered...
Soldier: Um... where's the damn key?
A key for the Mann Co. Supply Crate is dropped from the helicopter
Soldier: Thank god.
He unlocks the crate, causing it to open up as the sides of the crate fall apart
The item from the crate glows brightly
Cuts to BLU Medic and Sniper
Medic: (his backpack uses a Kritzkrieg) Aah, my eyes! Zey burn!
Sniper: (while carrying the Hitman's Heatmaker) Don't be foolin' around, doc. I've seen even brighter things that can hurt you, like the sun.
Medic: Vell, who would even be enough of a dummkopf to do somesing shtupid like zat?
Demoman: (offscreen) Aye, Dell! Doesn't the sun look so beautiful?
Engineer: Now, Tavish, I don't think you should-
Demoman: (gets blinded) My eyes!
Engineer: Um, you only have one eye, ya know.
Medic: (facepalm) Schweinhund.
Sniper: (headshake) Wanker.
Back to the Soldier and his crazy obsession over the weapon from the Mann Co. Supply Crate
The weapon from inside stops glowing, revealing to be the Direct Hit
Soldier: (gasps) Oh, man, I can't believe it! It's what I hoped for! Er, I mean... (clears throat) the weapon I was desiring for... now delivered with no repercussions.
Spy: Um, ce que l'enfer is that?
Soldier: Only the best weapon ever.
Spy: Well, tell me what it's called.
Soldier: The Direct Hit. This beauty's rockets are even more powerful and they trail at an approximate rate of 80% faster. Plus, shooting this at someone airborne from an explosion will massacre them instantly.
Spy: Those seem like some good aspects, but do you even know any of the downsides?
Soldier: I doubt this thing even has any. Maybe I'll just go through a simple test run with it first.
He picks up the Direct Hit and tries picking a target. He then spots a RED Pyro and decides to fire a rocket at it
Soldier: Gotcha, cupcake!